Are We actually Keeping Score in Our Relationships?

You know when you try to make a perfectly nice suggestion while planning something for the weekend - a walk, a bit of fresh air, maybe even a coffee stop - and somehow it spirals into a full-blown negotiation about who’s more exhausted?

That was me this week.

I asked my husband if he fancied a walk at the weekend.

His response: “How can I? I’ve got a job to do on Saturday.”

Ignore the tone, Kate.

Alright then, how about Sunday?

“Am I not allowed to have a rest? You’ve just spent three days in bed… I think I can have one day off.”

Cue Stage Door.

Now, in fairness, I had spent a few extra hours in bed over the previous three days, but a wellness retreat it was not. I was recovering from a bacterial infection that had me on antibiotics and feeling like my head was about to explode. Still, his tone made my blood boil. I saw red (briefly), then did the only sensible thing: removed myself from the situation, took a few deep breaths, and actually managed to calm down.

A minor miracle, frankly… and something I’m genuinely proud of. My hard work is paying off.

Once I’d cooled off, I started thinking... When did relationships become a game of who’s more tired? Who’s done more, worked harder, earned more, or deserves the day off?

I don’t think it’s about laziness or selfishness - it’s about validation.

We all want to be seen for what we do, the effort we put in, and the invisible load we quietly carry.

But somewhere along the line, rest became transactional. If we’ve earned it, we take it proudly. If someone else takes it when we haven’t, we bristle.

But what if rest didn’t need defending? What if it wasn’t about who’s done more, but about recognising that both people are human; tired, stretched, and trying their best?

Maybe the real challenge in relationships isn’t dividing time… it’s sharing empathy.

Because rest, like love, isn’t something you earn. It’s something you allow.