The Adult Friendship Gap: Why Connection Feels Harder Than It Should
I was listening to Jo Whiley and Zoe Ball chat on their podcast recently (love that pair!), and something they said about adult friendships really struck a chord. That same day, I stumbled across a LinkedIn post about remote working and loneliness - and suddenly, the theme was loud and clear: we're all feeling it. The isolation. The awkwardness of reaching out. The deep (sometimes unspoken) need to be seen, heard, and connected.
When you work from home or run your own business, especially in the coaching world, there’s a lot of autonomy. And yes, that’s freeing… but it can also be lonely. Human interaction becomes something we have to consciously plan for. The upside? We get to choose when and how. The downside? Some days, we forget we even need it.
I know I’ve written about this before, but I truly believe it’s one of those topics that never stops resonating. Because whether we talk about it or not, many of us are quietly wondering: How do I make friends as an adult? And why does this feel so flipping hard sometimes?
It's Not Just You - Making Friends Is Harder as Adults
When we’re younger, friendship is almost inevitable. School, uni, work - these environments throw people together with built-in common ground. But as adults? The shared spaces shrink. We’re balancing families, careers, responsibilities. Time feels scarce. And, let’s be honest, energy does too.
Add in remote work or running your own business and suddenly the casual catch-ups by the coffee machine or spontaneous lunch dates disappear. And even if we do crave connection, it often feels awkward to initiate. Who do you message? What do you say? Will it feel weird?
Social Media Isn’t a Substitute
Sure, we’re connected, but we’re not always connecting. Social media gives the illusion of friendship. You can watch someone’s holiday, know what their dog’s called, even like every post they publish, and still feel totally disconnected from real, human interaction.
Sometimes, what we need isn’t another scroll. It’s someone asking, “Fancy a coffee?” Or sitting in the same room, no phones, just proper conversation. (I know, how very 1998 of me.)
So What Do We Do About It?
Here’s what I’m learning (slowly, and not without some discomfort I might add):
Friendship takes effort, and that’s okay. We’ve been sold the idea that real friends are effortless. And yes, good friends shouldn’t feel like hard work, but the act of making and maintaining them? That takes conscious effort. Especially when life gets full.
It’s okay to go first. Send the message. Suggest the coffee. Invite someone to walk-and-talk. You don’t have to wait for the perfect moment or the perfect words. Most people are more open than you think.
Be open to new friendships in unexpected places. It doesn’t always have to be someone your age or in the same life stage. I’ve found connection in the most surprising of places, a conversation with a client, a chat in the supermarket, a shared moment at school pick-up.
Choose quality over quantity. You don’t need a dozen friends to feel connected. One or two good ones who get you? That’s gold dust.
Don’t forget to include yourself. If you’re feeling disconnected from others, sometimes it’s a sign you’ve disconnected from yourself. Check in. Be kind. Remind yourself that your need for connection is human, not needy.
Final Thought
Friendship in adulthood might not be as effortless as it once was, but it can be even more meaningful. Because when you choose to connect, when you make space for it, when you allow yourself to be seen, that’s real intimacy. That’s where the magic happens.
So, if you’ve been feeling a little too independent lately, this is your reminder: you’re not meant to do it all alone. Reach out. Say yes. Or better yet, be the one to ask.
It might just be the conversation you both needed ;)
