When the Need to Keep Everyone Happy Starts to Feel Exhausting

There’s a pattern I see again and again in my work.

A strong desire to keep things running smoothly. To manage situations before they become uncomfortable. To make sure everyone else is okay - often before checking in with yourself.

On the surface, this can look like being helpful, dependable, or easy to be around. But underneath, it often feels very different.

Tight. Draining. And quietly exhausting.

This pattern is often described as people pleasing - and it’s far more common than many women realise.

What people pleasing really is (and what it isn’t)

According to Simply Psychology, a people pleaser is someone who consistently prioritises the needs and wants of others over their own - often at the expense of their wellbeing and happiness.

Crucially, this behaviour isn’t driven by kindness alone. It’s driven by a strong desire for approval, a fear of rejection, and an urge to avoid conflict.

That distinction matters.

Because many people pleasers are deeply caring, capable, and conscientious. They’re not trying to manipulate situations, they’re trying to feel safe within them.

Common signs of people pleasing

People pleasing doesn’t always announce itself loudly. Often, it shows up in quiet, habitual ways:

• finding it hard to say no

• seeking reassurance or external validation

• overcommitting, then feeling resentful or depleted

• avoiding conflict, even when something doesn’t sit right

• apologising or taking responsibility when it isn’t yours

• putting your own needs on the back burner

• minimising your strengths so others feel comfortable

Many women recognise these behaviours, but still struggle to understand why they keep happening.

The fear underneath the behaviour

Psychologist Sergey Nivens explains that the fear of not living up to others’ expectations plays a significant role in people-pleasing behaviour.

When approval feels linked to belonging, safety, or being valued, it makes sense that we keep adjusting ourselves to fit.

At some point, often early on, pleasing others became a strategy that worked.

It reduced friction.

It kept the peace.

It helped you feel accepted.

The problem isn’t that this strategy ever existed. It’s that it quietly outlives its usefulness.

Helpfulness vs people pleasing

This is an important distinction.

Helpfulness comes from choice.

It feels spacious.

You can give without resentment.

People pleasing comes from fear.

It feels tight.

You help because you’re worried about what might happen if you don’t.

One supports connection. The other slowly erodes self-trust.

If you’re unsure which one you’re operating from, these questions can be revealing:

• Am I doing this because I genuinely want to help - or because I’m afraid of the consequences if I don’t?

• Am I putting my own needs aside here?

• Do I feel resentful, used, or depleted afterwards?

If you answered yes to any of these, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It usually means you’ve been relying on a pattern that once felt necessary.

Why control often travels with people pleasing

For many women, people pleasing and control go hand in hand.

When you’re responsible for keeping everyone happy, it can feel safer to manage outcomes:

• to anticipate reactions

• to smooth things over early

• to keep situations “under control”

But control comes at a cost.

It keeps you hyper-aware.

It disconnects you from your own needs.

And it reinforces the belief that things will fall apart if you stop holding them together.

What actually helps (and what doesn’t)

Change doesn’t start with forcing yourself to be more assertive or suddenly saying no to everything.

That usually backfires.

What does help is awareness.

Noticing:

• when you’re about to agree automatically

• when your body tightens before you say yes

• when helping stops feeling generous and starts feeling obligatory

From there, small shifts matter far more than big declarations.

Learning to communicate assertively, calmly and respectfully, can be part of that. So can practising simple things like:

• using “I” statements

• expressing needs clearly rather than indirectly

• pausing before responding when you feel pressure

Not to cause conflict, but to honour yourself.

A quieter way forward

If you recognise yourself in this, there’s nothing broken about you.

You’re not weak. You’re not selfish for wanting space. And you don’t need to overhaul who you are.

You’re likely someone who learned early on that being accommodating felt safer than taking up space.

The work isn’t about becoming harder or less caring. It’s about building enough self-trust to stay connected to yourself as well as others.

That’s quieter work. But it’s powerful.

And for many women, it’s the beginning of real change.